Count down!.....

Here we go...to China (and this is a long one again. the last before we fly)

I'm settling into the idea that we are leaving in 3 days (we'll 2 1/2 days). I know that sounds silly but really it still sometimes feels like it's not going to happen. We've had lots to do: update the will (per my father-in-laws advice) this is always a fun thing to do; pack and repack; run to the store for last minute "we ran out of detergent"; Christmas parties (yes we did fit in 2); celebrate Christmas with Thad and Taylor (this last Sat); meet up with the gal who is house sitting; charge all the batteries; oh and clean the house of course cause who wants to do that when they get home right?

This week had so many wonderful "thank you God" moments. A nice guy named Bill called this week. They got back a couple of weeks ago with their little one from China and live here in The Dalles. We talked and he asked, "do you have kids and are you taking them?" I said, "Yes Taylor 4 yrs old". He continued to say that the people who had kids with them on their trip seemed to have a quicker bonding time with their new little ones. Thank you Lord. Also I help with scheduling teachers at church. I had 2 "can't do it" calls and these were situations either while we were gone or right after we get back. I prayed right then (to be honest I have a bad habit of trying to make calls first then if I strike out I pray in desperation after the fact). One prayer I prayed right after talking with the gal. The Lord answered literally as I turned around after praying. Do you ever get that feeling where you feel God is literally carrying you through something. I'm so thankful right now. Remind me later I'm sure I'll need it.

Ok I'm tyring not to seem weird (not sure how else to put that) to some of you but please bear with me; this is how life is for me right now and I want to share it. I'm ok if you think I'm crazy.

This adoption process is helping me to see myself differently in regards to how God sees me. Let me try to explain. We love Sarah. We know we wont always hit the mark of meeting her needs exactly. She will know we love her. We love her in spite of the fact that she will probably come to us feeling hurt, sad, and maybe come kicking and screaming; we hope our hearts are ready for whatever. We will love her. We will be patient if she doesn't like us right away. It will be hard but we will. She wont even understand our language but we will try to teach her slowly.
Ok so how does this relate to seeing myself differently? I had to ask myself today, "If we love Sarah this much...why do I sometimes question how much God cares for, is patient, loves, etc me?"
Really think about it. You, think about adopting a little one. You know they come to you with experiences that you have no control over. You choose them even though you know they may need surgery or have emotional challenges to work through. You want the best for them. Ok so you would love them right? So God adopts us right? I believe the bible is Gods word and it says He "adopts" us: with our hurts and challenges. Not when we "get it right" but when we cry out and say "god forgive me. I can't live without you. I need you. I can't get it right. Help me.
So here is where things are hitting me.
I do question sometimes how deep His love is for me; His intentions for me; His patience with me. He knows I come with baggage. He knows I really have a hard time understanding His language sometimes. He knows that sometimes I just am not going to trust.
Do we really think so highly of ourselves that we think that as parents we can love our kids when they don't trust us but that God doesn't have it in Him? Do we think sometimes that if we would have done something differently that God would "love" us more or "approve" of us more? Can we earn that? Do my kids have to earn that? If they don't earn my love then why do I sometimes feel that I have to earn Gods love? I know I say I don't think that but do I live that? Do I live in the freedom that I am accepted in full because of the faith/trust that "Christ died for sinners" that "if I confess my sins His is faithful and just to forgive me my sins and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness." 1 Jn 1:9 (inserted "I" for "we" in that quote)

Maybe I sometimes feel "far away from God" not because I am not doing things "for" Him but because like parents it's a relationship. It's communication. We come to our parents with our hurts, hopes and talk to them about that stuff (if we have a close connection with them). Sometimes I think that is what I lack with God: not communicating with Him. If I would stop doing things for Him and just talk to Him and LISTEN to Him I would understand better why things are the way they are.
He is so much a better parent. He truly loves us without condition. He provided the price for our "wrongness" inside us; such a gift; to give up a son: Christmas, Emmanuel: God with us. Could you give up a child to save the lives of other people? Would you? Honestly not me, I just don't think I would be able to. Do we still question His intentions for us? He is patient with us. He "causes all things to work for good."Romans 8:28. Thank you Father for being the best parent ever.

" Romans 8:15 "For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons (daughters) by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"

He is the "Bestest" adoptive parent ever ever ever!